I Have To Admit

Original post by

Oshin Ahlawat

http://thoughtcatalog.com/oshin-ahlawat/2017/03/i-have-to-admit-im-afraid-to-let-you-go/

I have to admit I had to cry, to convince myself that I could still hurt,
I have to admit, I shivered and shook when I was all alone, after you left,
I have to admit, I let other kinds of pain take over
so I don’t have to feel the pain you still cause in me,
I have to admit, fear is a pretty vicious motivator,
I said so many things I never meant,
I have to admit, I spent most of my time being afraid,
of being happy without you,
but the afraid part of me, that shakes and shivers,
when I smile, loves to keep me in the dark,
away from the sunlight and the music of life,

I have to admit, it gets pretty bleak to think about the night,
when you’re not used to being alone,
There are things that live inside my mind that have your fingerprints,
the traces of you being in my head,
I have to admit, I gave up on forgetting you,
I missed you and then loved you more than I expected I would,
I have to admit, I’m more tangled up than I thought I could be,

I try to walk carefully, beneath these threads of fate
that weave a web around me when I’m asleep,
And I wake up and I’m tangled even more
in the knots made by my dreams,
I have to admit, it feels pretty good to scream,
But nothing changes within me.

I wish to God I could change, but I’m too afraid,
Afraid that it involves letting you go,
I have to admit, I am afraid of getting things I wish for;
I hope I can go ahead without wanting to run backward into my past,
but life is so unpredictable, and I’m afraid of everything I want.

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