How Much It!

I am unhappy. With myself, I suppose. I don’t know why. Maybe because no matter how much I try, at the end of the day, I end up hurting you. I end up disappointing people. I end up losing friends. I end up realizing things are not going to be the same as they used to be, and that I cannot be important to the people to whom I meant the world. I end up drowning, in this sea of loneliness, dejection, and disappointment. Do you even know how much it hurts when at the end of the day you have no one to talk to and tell them what you did all day long? How much it hurts when you’re ill and you don’t have a single person to ask you how you are? And who would rather kill you if you don’t take care of yourself and don’t have your medicines on time. Aah, leave alone having them on time, when someone doesn’t even bother whether you even had them or not. Do you know how much it hurts when each song you listen to triggers memories inside you, the memories of happy times, about which you can do nothing, and no matter how much you try to stop the influx of those memories, you always end up failing to do so, like you have failed in life? How much it hurts when you know no one would even give a damn if you would leave this world? Do you know how much it hurts when you don’t even know what happiness is and don’t know about the things that make you happy? Yeah, when you don’t even have things to do or moments to remember which would make you happy. Do you know how much it hurts when you realize no matter how much you try, you can never have someone who was special once and would always remain that special one, so special that no one can ever take his place? Do you know how much it hurts when at the end of the day you cry yourself to sleep, remembering all that you’ve been through, and to avoid that, you fear sleeping? When sleep has become a monster, and you see the night as a nightmare, something that always creeps you out. Something you want to never come back in your life. Do you know how much it hurts when everyday you wake up with a will to make everything fine, hoping everything would change and the world would be a happy place and you, a happy soul, but at night, on your bed, you weep on your pillow realizing that nothing really changed? That you are still the same. That the same misery still envelopes your life. That no matter how much you try, there’s no moving forward. That there could be no light in the dark hole you have drowned into. That there’s no one to listen to you. Do you know how much it hurts when you lose all hope of living? When you can’t find happiness in the heights of mountains or waves of the sea, or in the laughter of a child or a long drive across the city with the windows down. At that time, death seems to be your dearest friend, something that offers its hand to pull you out of the deep pit you are into, engulfed by darkness, wanting to breathe, ready to take you to a new world, away from all this suffering, all the pain, all the memories. Yeah, that’s the moment that gives you happiness, and you start craving to end this life and begin a new life, happy, somewhere else, somewhere far away.

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