I end my day by penning down a couple of random thoughts and today I wrote this down,
“In the crimson of the morning sun dies another day and the same flower that is smiling today tomorrow shall be gone. In the paleness of the morning sky I see the sickness of death, in the playing child the drooling old man. In living I see the futility of life”.
It was after I penned this down did I realize that in the beautiful journey of growing up I have transformed from a carefree girl to being someone who has started living by the rule book. In an attempt to become a perfect daughter, perfect sister and a perfect girlfriend among the many other roles, I have lost out on those imperfections that make the real me. I have lost out on ‘me’.
I miss following my hopeful heart. I miss the way I could take decisions without thinking a 100 times about the consequences. I miss the way my heart fell in love the first time, the confidence it radiated, the way it innocently believed everything, not realizing the ways of this big bad world. I miss the way my heart believed in happy endings and ‘forever’ was a reality for it.
I miss my effortless laughter. Its been ages since I laughed my heart out, and giggled like a 5 year old. I still smile very often, but most of the times it is a result of either being courteous to someone or out of sheer formality. I long to laugh till my stomach hurts without a care in the world.
I miss my childishness; life is not worth such a serious thought. I miss the way I would crack up at the silliest of things and forgive people in a jiffy. I miss the days when ego and amour propre had absolutely no traces in my life. Life was not as complicated as we, with all our maturity, make it out to be.
I miss the belief I had in life. The fearlessness with which I would take on any given challenge thrown at me. The boldness with which I lived everyday as if it was last and made every single moment worth a celebration. I miss the leap of faith I took to reach the other side of a problem with a belief that success is the only option. It is this faith that pulled me through life till here, because failure was never seen as a demotivating factor, “fall down 9, stand up 10” was the only way of life.
I miss these parts in me, I miss the girl I was before the world told me, “It’s not your cup of tea” and I started believing it. I miss the person I was before I started hearing and gradually trusting the things people told me. I want myself back, the stupid self, the imperfect self, the fierce and the
I want ‘Me’ back.