A Letter to the Guy Who Ruined Love for Me
You were my first experience of the fleeting feeling that people like to call as love. My first introduction to what everybody is chasing after. Before I met you, I never realized just how desperately I was chasing after love, too.
As only a girl of sixteen can be, I was very naive about our relationship. I gave you all of the love that I had to give, without ever questioning the fact that love only from one person in a relationship of two can never make it work. Even back then, when I whined for only a little your attention and when just you smiling at me made my day, I had never complained. I had never blamed you.
Now, at the twenty first year of my life, when I think about my sixteen-year-old self, I wallow in self-pity for all that you made me go through in the one and a half year of our relationship. I was stupid enough to think that despite everything, you loved me. I even created excuses for you in my mind when you ran out of them. I was the last in your priorities, when for me, you were always the first.
I often wonder why it was that you kept telling me you loved me when you really didn’t; about why you would keep me hanging by a thread. Maybe it was because I was never the one you needed, but you were afraid to let me go because you knew that I was more than what you deserved, or maybe because you knew that my love was very much real. I will never know. And while I have never blamed you or accused you of anything because I had always convinced myself that you could never be at fault, it is time that you and I face the truth.
The truth is that what you did to me is worse than anything that can be done, and though I’ve forgiven you even if you didn’t ask for forgiveness, I’ll never forget you because you changed me. You should have left a long time ago, but by the time you finally left, I had already given so much of myself to you, that you took away a piece of my being along with you. I was the most alive person, and you reduced me down to scribbling notes about loving someone who didn’t care, while crying myself to sleep. I was known to be the most confident girl of my year, but you made me feel worthless, not by your words, but by your actions, so much so that even till today, I feel like I am not good enough for anything or anyone. You left me crying, not even rewarding me with a second glance, in the quadrangle the day before my birthday, the day you broke up with me, for the whole school to see how the girl who always seemed so strong, the one who hated breaking down in front of anyone, has fallen to bits, crying her heart out, not caring that there are at least a hundred people to look at her misery. Honestly, you put me through more pain than a fifteen-year-old heart could bear for what it thought was love. Above everything else, you made me fear love. Since you, there has been nobody else, because I am too afraid of letting go of my armor for somebody who is just waiting to pierce me with a sword.
- And even after all of this, you are the one who has really lost, because you missed out on somebody who had more love within herself than she knew what to do with, and she was more than willing to give all of it to you.
The girl who would’ve never given up on you.